Once home, I let the office know about dad and requested privacy from everyone if possible. They agreed and a sign went up to reflect that.
I went to my room, grabbed my towel and toiletries, then went to have a shower.
I came back to relax, but text my best friend about what was happening, I didn’t go into details, instead requested we meet up the following day, she agreed.
I did go outside to briefly explain about dad being in a coma but stopped short of revealing my big decision. I told them just enough to keep them off my back.
I went for a walk to get some lunch, but also get fresh air and this may sound strange but talk to mum and see what she felt.
I felt her presence but couldn’t feel her decision. I understand why.
This didn’t help my decision any easier.
I then took a slow walk back home and went to have dinner. I was allowed to take my tray and food to my room to eat.
Afterwards, I went to have a bath, then an early night.
The following morning, I woke early, had a shower, then dressed, grabbed my keys, wallet and phone and walked to the station.
I travelled to see my friend, and of course, being cheap Tuesday, we decided to watch a movie. What movie we saw, I forget, as I was thinking about dad.
Once it was over, we went to buy a cup of tea each then sit and chat. I went into full details and of course, broke down crying.
My friend consoled me saying, “Look, I know he is a pain in the rear end, and you would prefer he stays alive, but if he does, you will need to stop working, can you put up with being there for him full time again as his carer?”
I hadn’t thought about that and decided to go to see the person I used to deal with when I was on the Carers Pension, just to get some information.
As I was known there, I still had to wait, but this person knew it was important and would attend to me quickly.
I asked her advice, and was told I might be eligible, but she asked if it was worth it, especially given his age. He was 74 at the time. I agreed, and thanked her, then left.
I called my friend to tell her. I was still undecided.
Yes, I was being selfish at the time, because he was a pain, but he was my father.
N.B. At the time, I had forgotten about certain things from my early years.
The next few days, I spent at the hospital with dad. Even that couldn’t help me.
I decided to spend the weekend alone to try and make a final decision.
My friend’s husband and son had planned to go visit his mother for a few days. She lived in the same town I was living when mum died. I had been invited to come stay with my friend for company. She had to work. I accepted.
I decided not to turn his life support off.