I’ve suffered from Depression for most of my life, although, when I was young, didn’t know, because it was either unheard of or swept under the carpet.
Looking back, I changed the day I realised I was a gurl, but too scared to tell anyone except Claire Baire.
I hid how I felt in fear of my life.
It was bad enough that almost every person I knew, treated me like I was worthless.
Because of that, the molestation and my confusion over my Gender Identity, I’ve shied away from relationships.
Growing up, My Father would tell me I must do everything perfectly, any less and I was a failure.
I’ve strived for perfection in everything I do.
My depression got worse the day my mum passed away. We were very close.
I miss her so much.
July 30th, 2021 was the 30th anniversary, which was a hard day.
Over the years, many people have made assumptions or judged me, without getting to know me.
Many have seen me as a Soft, Weak target and would lie.
Despite no evidence, others have believed these lies.
Again, this has affected my Mental Health.
Recently, as I out walking, some motorist, with several passengers loudly sounded his horn and each person hurled abuse towards me. I broke down crying and yes, felt like running onto the road to terminate my life.
The only reason I didn’t was because the road would have been closed for many hours and the driver would be affected.
In the 90’s, I was on my way home from work. As the train was pulling into a station, someone jumped.
I was standing near the Drivers cabin and heard him scream then cry.
I asked to be let in, told him who I was and where I worked.
I was a Bus Driver.
He let me in and immediately tightly hugged me then cried, as did I.
I was placed on stress leave for several months to talk with a counsellor several times per week.
I think about that time a lot. I cry too.
2015, I met a gurl, “Chris”, who was trans, and a teen. I’d been asking about what hormones under 18’s could be on, but no-one could, or would, help.
I thought this gurl was a friend, but she suddenly blocked me, which I should have forgotten her.
I believe the Universe guides us, and as such, have seen many reminders of “Chris.”
I was told things about her in 2016, which I didn’t believe.
2018, she posted vicious lies about me online, which caused many people to abandon me, despite no evidence.
I have Official, Legal evidence that I’m innocent.
My point of this blog is to say there is nothing wrong if we suffer mental illness.
You are valid and should be able to access care.
Honestly, I believe everyone suffers from mental illness, some very negligable, others, severe enough to take their lives.
Please, if you are, or anyone you know, suffers from mental illness, seek support, even if its just someone you trust, or a trained professional.